Connecting Deeply With Our Children
The greatest thing you can do for your child is to acknowledge their beautiful being.
How to Coach Yourself Using these Wisdom Quotes:
Give yourself time to go through each point slowly
Consider your answers to any questions
Explore the links but keep come back to this page until you finish all the points
Pay particular attention to anything that touches your heart
* All quotes are by Eckhart Tolle, taken from the video: How to Teach Presence to Children in the Digital Age
1. Noticing Your Home Environment
"The most important thing is the energy field at home. The energy that you and your wife generate at home, which is a reflection of both your states of consciousness, is one of the most important factors. What is the general energy field that, on a daily basis, you and your wife manifest, generate in this home environment?
I do know that, nowadays, many home environments have a very nervous energy field because everybody is so busy getting things done. The parents are busy getting things done, the children are encouraged to continuously do this and do that, or sometimes encouraged to stop doing this or stop doing that. And then they have the additional layer of electronic devices.
There’s always something, the next thing to do, that seems to be in the underlying energy of your team. What’s the next thing that we need to do? And, have you done that yet? Come on!
Many well-meaning parents interact with their children predominantly (90% or more) on the level of doing - either do this or stop doing that. And so, the being of the child is never fully acknowledged."
Become aware of the energy field that you (and your partner) are creating in your home. What kind of environment are you producing for your children? Is it rushed? Is it stressed?
There's no need to judge, analyze or compare. Simply notice.
2. Giving Your Full Attention
"In order to acknowledge the being of the child you have to spend moments when you give the child your fullest attention. Not your fullest attention because you’re talking about something that needs to be done, but your fullest attention, for example, by just listening to the child when he has something to say to you.
Or giving your fullest attention occasionally, by just observing him or her as they go about their life in the house.
It just needs to be a few minutes where your attention rests upon them, even if they are not directly interacting with you.
Observe them at play, without telling them to do this or that, or don’t do this or that, but simply allow your attention to rest on them and watch them - in that state of thoughtless awareness, where you’re just the aware presence for the children.
And then, occasionally, when they come close to you, look into their eyes. It doesn’t have to be long. You look into their eyes when you talk to them, when they talk to you, and in that moment of looking, you connect with their being.
So, that part of your interaction with the child is not based on doing, but on a flow of being towards the child, so that you connect on the level of being.
That means you acknowledge the deeper reality of that child. You truly acknowledge their being."
After reading this quote, do you have some inner leading about how to interact with your child today? Does it inspire you to spend more time watching your children as they go about their day? Would you like to make eye contact with them when they speak to you?
Let your intuition guide you into moments of full attention throughout your day and experience a restful awareness of simple connection without an agenda.
3. Connecting by Seeing
"I would suggest that in most modern families, children get in states of anxiety or great restlessness which later become, in teenage years, states of antagonism and anger. And I would suggest that often the child doesn’t know why there is this anger and restlessness.
It often goes back to the parents. They’ve done everything for the child on the doing level but the children feel unseen by the parent.
They feel unseen in their being.
They’re not acknowledged in their being, and if they are unseen, that vital dimension of their being feels starved and the deepest connection with the child is missing.
The parent doesn’t know that. They think, “I’m doing all I can.”
Just for a moment, forget about everything you are doing, have done and hope to do for your children.
Realise that none of it is as important as acknowledging their being and connecting with them in a deep way.
See your child with new eyes today.
4. Demanding Your Attention
"Now, you don’t give them the attention when they demand it through throwing a tantrum. That’s not the moment to give it to them.
When the tantrum does happen, it’s good if you can be spacious and allow it to be while it happens instead of reacting, so that they don’t pull you into a similar state of consciousness, where you get angry because they’re in a tantrum.
If you can, take that as a signal to be really alert and present and observe. That is not the moment, though, to connect, because at that moment the child’s pain body is there, covering up the essence of their being. So, the moment they demand attention is not the best moment to give them attention.
The demand for attention can also be an egoic thing. The ego doesn’t want attention on the deepest level. It doesn’t know what the deepest level is. The ego wants a different kind of attention.
It wants you to strengthen the ego in the child, so it is often also a desire of the ego to control the environment. Very young children cry very loudly because it’s an attempt of the developing ego to exert some control over the environment and, in this situation, it’s good not to give them what they demand.
But give them attention in other moments, and the real attention is to let your awareness rest upon them. Look at them. See them. They want to be seen. That’s their being. Acknowledge their being.
Again, I have to repeat it because it’s so important. Don’t always interact only through doing or don’t do this, don’t do that, which tends to be the case with families."
5. Emanating Peace into the Energy Field
“With your wife, make sure that there is some spaciousness in your relationship. No matter how busy the household is, make sure there’s some spaciousness emanating from both of you, some peace.
Even though you may be busy, there’s some peace emanation into the energy field in your home that comes from you.
Children respond very much to that energy field that they grow up in. It affects them very deeply.
The interaction between you and your wife is what generates that energy field.”
Being aware of the energy field you and your partner are generating in your home empowers you to create space in your days.
These spacious moments are the peace that transforms the family environment.
In this peace, your children are given the opportunity to grow up in a way that fosters real connection and well-being.
6. Acknowledging Your Child's Beautiful Being
"Give them attention. It doesn’t have to be long periods of time, but often.
At night, before bedtime, during the day - watch them, listen to them fully.
And don’t interfere with some kind of advice.
Acknowledge their beautiful being which is there. That’s the greatest thing you can do for the child."
Acknowledging your child's beautiful being isn't difficult or time consuming. It's simple and it happens in short moments of connection, where everything is put to one side and you give your full, undivided attention - the most precious gift you can give anyone.
It is during these short, simple moments of connection that the whole of life and love open up to you in a way that you discover how full and wise your heart can be. And in the process, you become the conscious parent your child truly needs.
7. Summary and Song
In this three minute video I share a short song I was inspired to write, to the tune of A Thousand Years by Christina Perri. It's very easy to memorize and sing to yourself sometimes during the day, to remind you of these quotes and to bring you back to presence with your child.
Darling soul, I was lost looking for you
Here you are, in my heart, now I see you
And the world is sweet every time our eyes can meet.